The Beginning

Initially, it began with an obsession with time. My Dad passed away in April of 2024, and by December, I was in a full-blown meltdown over what time meant and why memories were important.

The entire process took me about a year. This is primarily due to stubbornness and to waiting for feedback from many readers. I spent an innumerable amount of time sculpting the way the end would come. Asking if each scene fits the story, how would the character’s perception of time begin to change?

It began with an idea of control, of an AI entity implanted into a man’s head, a former lover. One whom he thought to be dead, but was very much alive. This slowly built out into the early concepts of Vaelor and Ezra, even. Vaelor became sterile and pristine very quickly. I always intended to have a hyper-controlled environment. I think in that, we are human - so to have someone pick out our clothes and feed us… Sometimes that feels like a dream, no?

I started writing the opening scenes of Lucian working in the Tower of Industry, but it just wasn’t working for me. The AI character was interesting, but it felt… Off.

I pivoted.

Perhaps there was a betrayal of this former lover? And instead of making the AI implant someone he could see, I could make him someone who is actually there. YES. Ezra was visiting him in visions from the grave. But Lucian had no fucking clue who he was. Because his memory had been wiped clean! This felt like something.

From there, the book became more. I chose to keep the first few chapters because I felt they were the calm before the storm. So, if you hate them, that’s fine. They are necessary for the rest of the story to hit.

The writing process for me begins with pouring in too much. Then, refining it with intention and making sure it is relatable with the smallest possible detail. Over the course of a year, I cut about 40,000 words and decided to rename the entire thing. This was the best move, as the story is so much clearer and even a little horrifying.

My inspiration for the novel comes from the many TV shows I adore. Not in any particular order: Sense8, Supernatural, OA, Halo… To name a few. And I have recently been diving into Dostoevsky, Dazai Osamu, and Camus. I enjoy the stark realness each of them brings to their stories. I also don’t like the old American tradition of a happily-ever-after.

That ache, the longing…

How human.

And without question, too, I wanted to explore that in my work, sitting in and with emotional states without context felt like such a clean way to do so.

Questioning the space you take up in the world.

Why am I here? And how did this moment become?

Currently listening to Beauty in You - Psylosia.

Stay tuned for more on the process as questions come in!